Next Food Network Star: Early Opinions

I have opinions on the contestants on The Next Food Network Star.

Aarti: For some reason, I love Aarti. "Aarti Party" is incredibly annoying, but otherwise, I think she's great. I love her accent, and I think she's pretty. She could totally be the next host of some Saturday morning Food Network show that no one watches.

Alexis: Well, he's gone already, and I doubt we're missing much. I do think there are worse people than him that are still on the show, though.

Aria: I am undecided. She was such a favorite in the first episode, winning both challenges. She seems a bit dull to me. I'm sure she can cook, but we don't know if she can host yet.

Brad: Damn this guy is cute. Too bad he has the personality of a month-old mango. I hope he gets better because... well, he's cute.

Brianna: She's stunning, but based on the "equal opportunity" formula for picking winners, she won't win. I'm pretty sure a sassy black girl has already won this show. Who knows though; the only two I can really name who've won are last year's winner (stupid Melissa) and Guy Fieri (who I love, and I don't care what you think about that!). Anyway, Brianna needs to lighten the hell up, and remove the stick from her behind.

DAS: Darrell, or whatever you want to call him. This man is charming as hell. He needs to work on his on-camera skillz (because that's how he would spell it), but I think he has a chance. That chicken tonight looked great, even if he did have the easiest ingredient (lemonade? Some people have to make a savory dish from funnel cake and you just have to use lemons?).

Doreen: Well, she's gone now too. I don't think she deserved it but her answer to "What's your culinary point of view?" was pretty pathetic. To be honest, I don't know if I could properly answer that question at this point.

Dzintra: Ah, here we go. I can't stand this woman. First of all, and of course it's not her fault, but her name is freaking awful. I want to smack her parents for thinking it would be cute to make up an awful first name to go with their already-weird last name, Dzenis. I mean, really. It sounds like a comic book character, and not one that I would read about. If I look past her name, it's still bleak. I think she should have gone home last week because she didn't actually cook anything for the main challenge, but maybe I'm unsympathetic. I thought she should have gone home this week for her disjointed dish and her odd attitude while serving it. She's just unappealing all around, and now I've done her the favor of writing more about her than any other contestants.

Herb: Gotta love a guy whose name is a category of cooking ingredients. I usually get tired of these "healthy" cooks, but Herb presents healthy food in a way that isn't irritating or too in your face. I can see him having a Saturday morning show that no one watches as well.

Paul: Too boring for me to even comment.

Serena: Wow, she's just like Giada, except pretty. This girl is incredibly gorgeous and I'd love her voice, if she would slow down enough so I can hear it. I really do think that she can cook, as well. Maybe she can take over one of Giada's shows. Or maybe instead of "Everyday Italian" she can have "Every Other Day Italian" or "Every Five Minutes Italian?" I'm just waiting for the cleavage to come out.

Tom: Well, he's from San Francisco, therefore I have to root for him. He's scruffy and cute; I think Brad is the kind of guy that's pretty to look at, but Tom is the kind of guy you actually want to date. He seems fun. That said, well, that's all I can say. It's my only opinion of him. I'm hoping that soon I will have more thoughts on his actual food.

Winner prediction: Aarti.